My boyfriend is Jewish and his Rabbi won't marry us. What can we do?

The majority in the Jewish community today are more accepting of intermarriages. However, some sectors, particularly the Orthodox Jews, remain highly conservative and may frown upon such traditional taboos. If you and your boyfriend would like to get married but are facing some trouble with his elders, don’t fret. There are a numbers of things you can do to perhaps persuade them to be on your side.

First, try to do some research on Jewish history, culture and tradition. If you know more about their way of life, you’ll be able to understand better where their fears are coming from. You’ll also be able to act more appropriately in their eyes which should make them warm up to you in due time. Ask your boyfriend to help you.

Second, be patient and understanding. Keep in mind that most of the older Jewish people are immigrants – they did not grow up in a free America like you did. They were brought up in an entirely different set of values, and their hardships may have made them less trusting of those who are non-Jew. Some form of compromise is needed for you to meet half way. Take the initiative to try to talk things over.

Third, recognize that the high intermarriage rate among Jews is viewed as a threat to the survival of their faith. His rabbi is probably concerned that by entering a mixed marriage, your boyfriend is slowly turning away from his Jewish roots, or worse, that his children will grow up to be gentiles (non-Jews). You and your boyfriend can make a guarantee that he will keep on practicing Judaism and raise your children in the Jewish faith. You can even offer to send them to Jewish Sunday schools, and let them eventually decide for themselves when they grow up. Jewish law forbids conversion to Judaism solely for the purpose of marriage. However, if one expresses interest in earnest, he or she may be welcomed with open arms.

Lastly, if you have tried your best and his rabbi still refuses to marry you, you may opt to find another rabbi who is more open-minded. Rabbis of Reform Judaism are said to liberal when it comes to officiating mixed marriages. Another option would be to have a simpler civil wedding, which would require no more than a trip to the city hall.

A mixed marriage is the coming together of two different worlds. It has its own special problems, but so does every other marriage. What’s important is the level of commitment the people involved are willing to invest into the relationship, not just for the marriage but for their entire lifetime. In almost every decision you make, you will never be able to make everyone happy. But if you sincerely feel that it’s the right thing to do, both of you must work on it and in time, you’ll eventually win the hearts of even your harshest critics.